Cause I'm a little bit tired of fearing that I'll be the bad fruit nobody buys.

This is my favorite quote:

I'm a big believer in getting back up when you fall down. When I didn't get the fellowship I had been working on applying for for ten months (as well as my entire life unknowingly), I quickly found something new to power me through. It came in the form of organizing a group of students from my college to go to Standing Rock, North Dakota. This has given me a lot in the past month, when we really started working on it. It's been amazing, really.

"Trust that when the answer's no, there's a better yes down the road."

But I'm also pretty nervous about it. Because I don't really know if physically going is the best thing I can do. I haven't decided yet if I'm willing to get arrested, which, I totally get, is a privileged thing to say. I have the CHOICE of whether I get arrested or not (to an extent). Many people who are there do not.

Anyway, we recently received all the funding we asked for from our school, which was incredible. We got a lot of money, which I'm so thrilled about, because it means that everyone can go for free, which is a huge deal.

But sometimes I wonder if it would be better to simply give that money to the people at Standing Rock directly, instead of spending it on us going. And I know - I'M the one that can make funding ME to go worth it. But I'm still having trouble grappling with that.

But really, it fills the void of my Watson because I care about it so damn much. It's important in so, so many ways and I feel very personally pulled to participate in this in the biggest way that I can.

Read this to get an idea of what I'm talking about:

http://karamariaananda.com/blog/women-of-standing-rock

Can we talk about how awesome yesterday was? It was amazing! Maybe last night is a better way to put it.

We talked for HOURS. And spent the WHOLE day together. It was beautiful. And she said that there is simply no way that the person you're really looking for is here at LU. Which was, to say the least, reaffirming.

In January, I started applying for an enormous fellowship, called the Watson, that only a handful of colleges and universities in the US are eligible to nominate students to apply for.

It was going fantastically well - it transformed the extremely negative energy I was harboring from obsessing over a dumb boy into a beautiful, tangible, clear outlet. The creative energy, which, really, was quite creative - was able to actually do me some good again in the context of finding my passions and deepest interests.